How to Find Help Caring for Your Aging Parents
Understanding the Need for Help
Before getting into all of the specific options you have for elder care, let’s figure out how much help they actually need. Not everyone needs 24/7 supervision. Are they still functioning independently, just needing a hand with cooking, cleaning, or sorting through the grocery store’s endless supply of coupons? Or are they in full-on care mode needing help with bathing, dressing, walking, and generally being in touch with reality? Understanding where they’re at and what they need will help you ask the right questions and find the best solutions for their safety and well-being.
Signs That Your Parents Need Help
Sometimes, the signs that your parents need help are subtle, like a pot roast that's been in the oven for two days, or bills that have mysteriously transformed into a Jenga tower on the kitchen counter. You may also notice that your parent is acting like they know what you’re talking about but something tells you that they have no clue.
Other times, the signs are more obvious: Frequent falls, an inability to manage medications, or when they talk like its still 1973. Recognizing these signs early can be the key to keeping them safe and healthy.
The All You Can Eat Buffet of Senior Care Options
Once you figure out what your parents need, get ready for an overwhelming list of care options. It’s like choosing a new Netflix series—there’s way too much out there, and you’ll probably spend hours looking for the right one. Here’s a breakdown of some of the most common options:
In-Home Care Services
If you want your parents to stay in their own home but you don’t want them eating cereal for dinner every night, hire some in-home care. This can also be a good option if they’re going to live with you and you don't have the time or energy to do all the work. They’ll get help with basic things like meals, housekeeping, and maybe even some medical care. It’s perfect if you want to help them maintain their independence and live in familiar surroundings.
Adult Day Care Programs
These are like a summer day camp for seniors. They get to socialize, do activities, and get some meals while you get a break. Trust me, you need that break. It’s a win-win. Plus, your parents get to make new friends and pretend they’re still in their 20s. Let them live.
Assisted Living Facilities
If your parents need more than just a buddy to help with the dishes, it might be time for assisted living. Some of these places are like a resort with medical staff. Your parents get their meals, housekeeping, and maybe even a Zumba class in a community setting. And you get the peace of mind that they won’t be calling you every five minutes about the Wi-Fi password. Understand though that not all of them are created equal so read on to learn how to spot the good ones.
Adult Family Homes
An adult family home falls somewhere between Assisted Living Facilities and Nursing Homes. If assisted living facility is a resort, then and adult family home is more like an inn or a B&B. These are typically residential homes that have been converted to accommodate a small number of residents, generally less than 10. They can be feel more like being at home and the staff interaction is much higher. Again, not all of ‘em are created equal to do your research.
Nursing Homes
For the parents who need constant medical attention, nursing homes are the big leagues. Nursing homes provide round-the-clock medical care and supervision and tend to feel more like a hospital than other options.
Finding the Right Fit
Choosing the right care option is like picking shoes for a marathon. You’re going to be stuck with them for a while so they gotta fit and they gotta last. Here are some tips to ensure you make the best decision:
Get Their Opinion
Guess what? They’re the ones who’ll be living there, so ask your parents what they want. Have a chat about their preferences, their fears, and their wildest dreams (okay, maybe not their dreams, but you get it). This is their life, not a video game, so make sure you’re not the villain here.
Money Talks
Senior care is not cheap and financial considerations are typically the last thing anyone wants to talk about. Take a good look at their finances and figure out what they can afford. Make sure you look at their insurance coverage, savings, and any government assistance programs they might qualify for. It’s important to balance what they need with what they have and then have the uncomfortable conversations about any gaps you uncover.
Visit Facilities and Interview Caregivers
The first part of this article is to set you up for success at this stage in the game. Once you know what they need and what they an afford it’s time to hit the road. If you’re considering an assisted living facility or adult family home go check them out in person. Call ahead and set up a tour. If you’re going to hire an in-home caregiver set up some phone interviews and then meet them in person if the call goes well.
You need to treat this like a date, and not with the, “I just need to go out tonight and blow off some steam” kind. The goal here is not just to find someone good enough for a brief fling. You’re looking for a long term relationship so go into the first date with a healthy dose of skepticism. Expect the worst, hope for the best. Commit to not making any big decisions the first time you meet.
If you’re looking at assisted living facilities pay attention to cleanliness, staff interactions, and the overall vibe of the facility. Ask about how they would handle certain situations like: what happens if you parent has a stroke? How would they handle this and how much extra would it cost to provide that level of care? Also talk to the nursing staff. Do they look overworked? Can you even find one? How long does it take for the staff to respond when a resident pushes the call button? There is a lot to consider here beyond how new the carpet is and what’s on the menu.
When speaking with potential caregivers, ask about their qualifications, experience, and approach to care. Is this someone you’d want to spend time with? Do you trust them to make good decisions? Did they show up on time for the interview?
Coping With the Emotional Challenges
Caring for your parents can feel like a full-contact sport that will leave you exhausted even if they’re not living with you.
Practice Self-Care
Regardless of the kind of care you choose, you need to take care of you, too. You can’t pour from an empty cup. Find time to do something just for you. Whether that’s getting lost in a book, some exercise, or immersing yourself in some trashy reality show while they’re at their adult day care—do what you gotta do to keep your sanity.
Get Help If You Need It
Seriously, don’t let the emotions overwhelm you. If it’s getting to be too much, talk to someone—a therapist, a support group, or maybe your neighbor who always knows when you’re about to lose it.
Laugh. Seriously
Humans are weird and life is absurd. This moment in your life and your parent’s is a perfect example. You are going to experience a lot of things that will make you want to scream, cry, and maybe even cryscream. Try to find the humor in it all. It’s okay to laugh, really.
Wrap Up
Taking care of your aging parents is not a one-size-fits-all thing, but it doesn’t have to be a nightmare. With some planning, a dash of humor, and the occasional glass of wine, you can make sure they’re taken care of—and, honestly, maybe even learn a thing or two about yourself in the process. So take a deep breath. You've got this.