You Don’t Need To Be Perfect: Even When It’s Life and Death
We live in a world where we’re all supposed to be perfect. I mean, everything — from our careers to our love lives to our ability to load the dishwasher — has to be flawless. We think that if there’s a mistake we might as well start over because we’re told that perfectionism is the only acceptable option. And it’s exhausting. But the truth is: it’s all smoke and mirrors. Perfection is a myth. And it’s about time we recognized that we don’t need to be perfect—even when it’s life or death.
The Soul-Crushing Quest for Perfection in a World That’s Really Just Trying to Sell You Jeans
Perfectionism is everywhere. Just hop on social media. It’s a constant feed of polished lives, perfect relationships, flawless selfies, and perfectly oozing cheese after you cut the ravioli. If you’ve ever cut the ravioli folks, you know that it does not ooze perfectly. It’s oozes more like a popped zit.
Anyway it’s like we’ve been trained to think that if we’re not 100% perfect, then we’re basically a dumpster fire. It’s not just about how we look or what we say anymore—it’s about every little thing we do, all the time. Esther Perel, that delightful Belgian whose been blowing up your social feed, often talks about how technology fuels this belief. According to Perel, because we’re always engaging with apps that are designed to provide us with the best of everything, we start to apply this mentality to our lives. It’s a nightmare of expectations. We feel that we have to look like we just stepped out of a magazine, be witty, charming, post the perfect picture of our child/dog, and just generally project to the world that we’ve got our life together even though we’re all just re-living, in real time, that dream where you show up naked to prom.
Anxiety and Survival Instincts: Or, How I Learned to Be Paralyzed by Anxiety and Still Somehow Avoid a Bear Attack
Perel and other psychologists talk about how anxiety comes from an overactive response to “threats”, even when those threats are no longer life-threatening. It’s the kind of anxiety we feel over little mistakes, like forgetting your keys or sending a text to the wrong person. It’s not gonna kill us but our brains treat it this way. In the past, our instincts helped us survive by triggering stress responses to dangers in our environment…like lions, actual fucking lions. But today, we react to super basic things with the same level of panic we might feel in a life-or-death situation. Somehow, in the moment, it feels like the worst thing ever. It’s like our brains are stuck in a survival mode and freak out over everything. It’s ridiculous.
Perfectionism in Caregiving: Thinking There’s Only One Way to Clean the Poop
Perfectionism sneaks into some of the most intimate parts of our lives, like taking care of our aging parents. Amusingly we’ve probably picked up most of these perfectionist tendencies from our parents (or built them up as a defense mechanism but that’s an entirely different therapy session). So now you’re out here, trying to care for them, and you’re stressed because you’ve gotta do it “right.” There’s this pressure that it needs to be flawless. But here’s the thing: you’re probably new at this. You’re like the freshman in the intro to Bulgarian Interpretive Dance class expecting to get an A on the first day which is ridiculous because you’ve never done Bulgarian Interpretive Dance! You only signed up for the class ‘cuz you overheard that hottie in the hallway talk about it.
Nobody told you that the “perfect” way to take care of someone isn’t to be perfect, it’s just to show up. And still, there’s this crazy weight of perfection hanging over everything you do. “Like, can I not just feed them some soup without worrying it’s the wrong soup?” But we push ourselves, and we make it harder than it needs to be.
Perfectionism in Healthcare: Big Brains = Big Worries
Imagine what kind of brain it takes to become a doctor. To get into med school much less make it through your residency. And becoming a competent nurse isn’t much easier. The idea that you need to be perfect at all times hangs over everything when many situations are quite literally life or death. it’s like going through emotional boot camp. It’s insane. But in healthcare, especially when you start out, perfectionism is expected. If you’re a doctor you have to figure out what you think is going on and then decide what to do. People forget that healthcare is science: it’s all about making educated guesses about what is going on and then running tests to see if you’re right. Sometimes those tests involve surgery so…you want to get it right the first time. Nurses are no different because they’re the ones that spend the most time with the patients and are often the first to recognize if something might be wrong. If you miss something, you never forgive yourself.
And yet what you learn over time is that you don't need to be perfect…even when it's life or death.
A Personal Example (A True Story)
Picture this: You walk into a room, and the patient is unresponsive. Your heart races, your brain kicks into high gear, and you call a code blue. The team rushes in. It’s go-time. In the flurry of the moment you’re on autopilot, doing everything you’ve been trained to do. It’s chaotic and you don’t even remember half of it. But then, after the storm of activity, the patient stabilizes. They’re alive. You saved them. Congratulations.
Then you go to lunch, and—wait for it—you start beating yourself up. You didn’t start that IV fast enough. You weren’t as smooth as you could have been when the doctor came in. Your hands were shaking when you handed them the intubation tube and you hadn’t stocked up enough gauze so someone had to run to the supply room to grab more. The list of mistakes could go on forever. You are mortified and convince yourself that you’re a complete and utter failure.
But you know what? The patient survived despite all of this. You didn’t do it perfectly. But you did it. They’re alive and that’s all that matters. So, maybe, just maybe, we can let go of the need to be perfect for once.
Embrace Imperfection You Gorgeous Bird
The truth is: we don’t need to be perfect to succeed, and we don’t need to be flawless to survive. We don’t have to be perfect at all. Not when it’s life and death, not when we’re taking care of our parents, and certainly not when we’re trying to manage the disaster that is modern life.
Perfection is a trap and what really matters is the outcome. You don’t need to be perfect to be good. You just need to show up, do your best, and realize that even in the midst of chaos, you can still succeed.