Long Distance Caregiving
How to Support Your Parents Without Moving In With Them
Remember the first time you considered moving in with someone you were dating? It was a big decision! You asked yourself questions like “Is this too soon? What if I hate the smell of their farts? Do I want to share my life with this person or am I just tired of folding my own laundry?”
Deciding whether or not to move your parents in with you is kind of the same but you have way more information, almost too much. You know what their farts smell like and they’re also the reason you’re in therapy. Come to think of it maybe they’re the reason why that first romantic live-in situation didn’t work out.
Fear not! Moving your parents in with you is not the only option. They may just need some extra support and there are a lot of things you can do to help…without sharing a bathroom.
Summary
Talk it Out
Start To Build Your Team
Home Safety (Make Sure They Don’t Trip Over Things)
Keep In Touch Regularly
Help Out With Their Healthcare
Offer Financial Support & Guidance
Get Them to Socialize
Get Professional Help
Support Their Decision-Making
1 — Talk It Out
Open communication is key. You’re parents have their own thing going on and they probably want to keep it that way for as long as possible. Try starting with a low-key phone call to check in. Maybe say,”I feel like we’re getting to the point where you could use a little help.” You’re not trying to diffuse a bomb here, you’re just trying to get to a point where you can figure out what they need and align that with what you think they need.
So approach it with the same care and humor you’d use if you were trying to trying to convince your best friend that they should leave a party early. You’re like, ‘Hey, it’s getting late, maybe you should go,’ ‘No, I’m fine, I’m fine!’ And you’re sitting there, like, ‘You are not fine, you’ve been dancing for two hours like a human marionette on a sugar high.’ And then they’ll insist, ‘No, I’m just getting started! I can keep going!’
In both cases the goal is to prevent the situation where you find them face-down in a bowl of guacamole at 2 a.m.
2 — Start To Build Your Team
You shouldn’t do this alone. Aside from the fact that you already have your own life to deal with this is the kind of situation that, like meeting up with your ex or going to IKEA, will likely become more complicated over time. You’re going to need a team to make this work.
Start by making two lists: One with all of the things your parents need help with now and one of all the people you know who could help. Identify who can do what and then fill in the gaps with outside assistance from community resources, online services, or hired caregivers.
For example: Your parents aren’t as mobile as they used to be so they need help getting groceries. They also have spotty memory and sometimes forget to take their pills on time. Finally, They have three doctors appointments coming up and they need help getting there.
Solution: Sign them up for grocery delivery. Team up with your brother and aunt to take turns filling their pillbox as well as calling/texting to remind them to take their meds. Get your cousin, spouse, or a friendly neighbor to drive them to their appointments and sit with them during the visits to take notes.
Over time their needs will grow and having a team will help you shoulder the load. It’ll make your life way easier, and hey, you get an emotional support group in the process. Remember, this is not a sprint, it’s a marathon.
3 — Home Safety: The “Make Sure They Don’t Trip Over Things” Plan
Older people tripping on things is…a thing. Hell, you tripping on things is a thing but for older people it’s like its a superpower. So do a scan of their place and do your best Marie Kondo impersonation. Instead of asking if something brings them joy ask, “Will this make you fall?” Here are a few areas to focus on:
Install grab bars Put them everywhere. By the toilet, in the shower. Basically turn their bathroom into a gymnastics training facility. Just make sure it looks like support and not a panic room.
Ensure clear walkways The vibe we’re going for is “Airport Runway” rather than an “Obstacle Course”. Get rid of that rogue throw rug in the hallway. It may where you lost your virginity but now it’s a booby trap.
Improve lighting The whole house needs to be well lit: the hallways, the stairs, outdoor areas. Everything should be like a catwalk during fashion week, not a horror film.
Check the furniture Make sure to secure or remove wobbly things like that janky chair they bought at a yard sale in the 70s.
Reorganize If they can’t get it without climbing a ladder or putting themselves in to a human pretzel, sort that out.
And please, please get them a medical alert system. They come in all different versions these days from the trusty pendant necklace to things that look like a watch.
4 — Keep In Touch Regularly
Even if your parent appears to be doing well, it's crucial to check in with them regularly. The stage they are at in their life will influence how and how often you connect with them. If they seem to be in a generally good place, a weekly phone call might do the trick. However, sometimes you may need to be more involved, like visiting in person to organize their medication.
You can help them with errands like grocery shopping, so they can pick up essentials like milk and lube (Yes, older people have sex too. No, you can’t unsee whatever just popped into your head. You're welcome). The key is to figure out what works best for both of you.
Technology can be helpful as well, and not just for getting life advice from 20 year olds with flawless skin. Video calls, messaging apps, or even smartphone reminders can help make sure they don't feel isolated and can easily contact you if necessary.
5 — Help Out With Their Healthcare
Remember when you were in your 20s and the only time you’d go to the doctor was if you broke something? When you get older you end up going to the doctor for everything. In addition to physical problems you parents might start forgetting appointments, mixing up medications, or just generally forgetting what day it is. You can’t just be like, “Well, ok. Good luck!” You gotta step in.
So even if you don’t live with them, you can help out and make things less confusing. Here are some common areas to address:
Medication management: Get them a pillbox, set some reminders, whatever it takes to keep them from looking at their meds like an unassembled piece of IKEA furniture. If you want more information we’ve got a deep dive here.
Doctor’s appointments: Offer to go with them to doctor’s office. Help them get there, sit in the room, help them stay on track. And don’t forget to speak up and ask questions too. Understanding their health stuff means you’ll be able to advocate for them when the medical jargon feels like a foreign film without subtitles.
Telehealth services: Telehealth is basically like a work Zoom meeting but it’s with a doctor and requires your full attention. It’s generally much easier to get an appointment this way and if the doctor needs to see them in person they’ll let you know. Just make sure you’re either with your parent to set up the call or have a chat beforehand so they know how to access the meeting.
6 — Offer Financial Support and Guidance
Managing finances is a challenge for most people, but it can become a whole new issue as we age.
You know how there’s a part of you that dies every time you spend $5 on a coffee? Many older adults are wondering how to stretch their fixed income far enough to buy essential groceries while avoiding getting scammed by some guy claiming to be from the “Social Securing Bureau” or whatever.
Helping with their finances doesn’t mean giving them money. Really its about helping them deal with whatever they’ve got left. Do a quick review of what they’ve got coming in and going out. Help them create a budget, or set up automatic bill pay. Also watch out for those scams too. There’s a whole industry dedicated to tricking elderly people into sending money for stuff like “free cruises” or “IRS fines" or whatever nonsense they’ve come up with.
It's also important, and you’re not going to like this, to have conversations about longer-term things like “What happens when you’re gone?” And “What do you want us to do if you have a stroke?” It’s uncomfortable but you want to avoid the situation where you’re arguing with your aunt about what do to about your non-responsive parent is in the hospital. Sorting this stuff out beforehand allows you to say, “Aunt Beatrice, I hear you but we already discussed this with mom. She was very clear that she wants to be shot out of a cannon when she dies and it’s all detailed here in her will.”
7 — Get Them To Socialize
Did you ever watch that show where they drop people in the middle of nowhere and the goal is to see who can survive the longest on their own? You watch and think, “What’s gonna get ‘em first, the bears? Will they freeze to death?” and you know they’ll have to eat bugs at some point. But the real threat ends up being: Loneliness. That’s right, its not the wild animals, the bug breakfasts, or even starving to death that gets most of them. It’s the isolation. When it comes down to it, spending a week alone with only your thoughts makes fighting a bear seem pretty chill.
Loneliness can be a big deal for aging adults too, especially if they don’t get around like they used to or live far from family and friends. Suddenly their social life consists entirely of discussing the weather with the goldfish. Social isolation can lead to depression, anxiety, and more health problems.
So encourage your parents to get involved in something. Anything — like joining a social club, finding an online community, or even getting to a local senior center — can make a huge difference. You want them to be engaged and not just sitting there watching the news all day (because that is a guaranteed slide to existential dread).
And if they can’t get out of the house? Well, guess what? We live in the future! There’s something called The Internet, and it can help! Virtual exercise classes, online hobby groups, and yes, even video chats with you—because nothing says “I’m still part of the human race” like seeing your face on a dirty laptop screen, and hopefully, getting a laugh out of it. It’s like keeping the social connection alive without having to leave the couch, and who doesn’t love that?
8 — Get Outside Help
If the list of needs is long or your care team is small, you may need to get some outside help. Here are a few options to explore:
In-home care: Hiring a professional caregiver can assist with daily tasks such as bathing, dressing, or cooking. Caregivers can also provide companionship and monitor their health. Be sure to check with a social worker to see if there are any free resources provided by your city or state.
Adult day care programs: These provide structured activities, meals, and social interaction, allowing them to spend time with people other than you.
Geriatric care managers: These marvels are like having a TV producer to produce your parent’s life. The can help assess your parent’s needs, create care plans, and coordinate services to ensure they’re receiving the right level of support.
9 — Empower Them to Make Decisions
It can be easy to fall into becoming some kind of benevolent dictator when you’re caring for your parents, especially if you’re doing it on your own. The need for control in this situation is real but ultimately isn’t the right move. In addition to getting outside help don’t forget that it’s still your parent’s life. You need to make sure they still feel empowered and have a say in their own lives—because they do. When offering help, respect their decision-making ability and avoid making them feel like they have no choices. For example, instead of saying, “I’m taking you to the doctor,” ask, “Would you like me to help you make the appointment and drive you there?” It’s not like you’re the boss of them just because you can text faster.