Tips for Talking to Someone with Memory Loss
Talking to someone with memory loss – it's like trying to tune a radio in a thunderstorm. Just when you think you've got a clear signal, static takes over. One minute your dad is totally present in your conversation about his favorite Yankees game, and the next minute he's asking if you’ve fed his cat – the one that died 15 years ago.
When memory loss enters the picture, whether from Alzheimer's, dementia, or other cognitive conditions, communication gets dicey, but here's the good news: there's a new rulebook, and I'm going to share it with you. These aren't just our own hard-learned lessons (though trust us, we've collected plenty). These techniques are backed by research, recommended by experts, and – most importantly – they actually work in the messy, real-world trenches of caring for aging parents.
The Science Behind Memory Loss Communication
Before diving into techniques, let's understand what we're dealing with. The Mayo Clinic differentiates between Alzheimer’s, which is the name of a specific disease, and dementia which is more of “an umbrella term that describes a wide range of symptoms.” While there are a lot of overlapping symptoms, these two terms are not the same.
But we are not here to bore you with the details. The point is that both are associated with memory loss, which is why you’re reading this. The reason we’re making this distinction is that memory loss is rarely the only thing someone with Alzheimer’s or dementia is dealing with. Understanding this can help you make sense of what’s going on.
According to the National Institute on Aging, Alzheimer's disease and related dementias affect specific regions of the brain that control:
Short-term memory formation
Language processing
Emotional regulation
Sensory processing
Social cue recognition
So it’s not just absentmindedness – it's a physical change in the brain that requires us to adapt our communication approaches.
Creating the Right Environment for Communication
Ever tried having a serious conversation in a chaotic sports bar? That's what the world can feel like to someone with memory loss – overwhelming, disorienting, and impossible to focus.
We’re proper nerds so let us lay some science on you: A study from 2012 found that things like noise, temperature, and lighting all affect how people with dementia communicate. So just like that sports bar, a few small adjustments can make a huge difference.
Here's how to create a "communication-friendly" space:
Reduce background noise: Turn off the TV, close windows to street noise, and move to quieter spaces.
Optimize lighting: Make sure the room is well-lit without distracting glare or shadows.
Minimize distractions: Clear visual clutter from areas that your parents use often. Think about taking all those magnets off the fridge or clearing the bookshelf of your Taylor Swift bobblehead collection.
Consider timing: Approach conversations during their best time of day (typically in the morning for people with memory loss)
Establish routine: Try to have important conversations in familiar settings and at predictable times.
So pick your moments when you’re discussing important topics like trying to explain your dad’s medication changes. Maybe the busy doctor's waiting room isn’t the best time. Try waiting until you get home, put on some tea, and sit down at the kitchen table later that day. Chances are the conversation will go much better.
Verbal Communication Techniques That Break Through
Words matter, but with memory loss, it's not just what you say but how you say it. Try to simplify things when you speak with your parents without making them feel like a child or a puppy. Focus on simple, direct sentences and clear terms…kind of like if you’re breaking up with someone over text message.
Here are some other tips:
Use simple, direct sentences with concrete terms
Present one idea at a time
Allow extra processing time between concepts
Avoid complex questions that require multistep thinking
We want to try to meet our parents where they are. They’re adults with cognitive challenges, not children.
Ask Better Questions
The open-ended questions we normally use in conversation ("What would you like to do today?") can be paralyzing for someone with memory loss. Instead:
Offer either/or choices: "Would you like coffee or tea?" rather than "What would you like to drink?"
Use visual cues along with questions when possible: “Would you like a banana [as you hold up a banana]?
Avoid questions that test memory: "Do you remember our visit to the beach?" becomes "I was thinking about that time we went to the beach. The waves were so big that day."
When questions fail, try statements instead: “Here’s a banana.” [they turn their head away], “Ok, you don’t want a banana.”
Sometimes in our effort to try to stimulate or engage with our parents, we’ll pepper them with a bunch of questions. "Remember your fishing buddy Mike? The one with the boat? Remember all those trips you took? What was your favorite catch?" This will likely just make their eyes glaze over and result in a sure-lady-whatever-you-say kind of smile.
Instead, try sharing your own memories and give them space to respond —"I was looking at that old photo of you and Mike on the fishing boat yesterday. You guys caught that huge bass!" – they’ll probably be able to engage with the conversation this way and even add details from his fragmented memories. “Mike’s wife sure did have an enormous rear end!"
Non-Verbal Communication: Your Secret Weapon
People with memory problems often withdraw over time ends up making it more difficult for them to communicate. Think about it: you’re aware enough to know that your memory is shot and this is embarrassing. So you figure,” I just won’t engage with people unless I really have to.”
So as verbal abilities decline people with dementia become dependent on non-verbal communication to get through the day. You can help by leaning into this and making a few adjustments:
Position yourself at their eye level
Approach them from the front, not from behind
Maintain comfortable personal space (typically 3-6 feet)
Use a gentle touch when appropriate and welcomed
Express emotions through your face (people with memory loss can often still read facial expressions)
And when you do speak, try to slow things down a little. Recognize that they may get a little anxious every time someone starts talking to them and use a calm tone. You don’t need to speak louder unless they have difficulty hearing. Again, use short, simple phrases that make it easier for them to process. “Hi, Dad. I’ll be right back. I have to poop.”
Emotional Connection: The Heart of Communication
One bright spot in this conversation is that people with dementia and Alzheimers are often still able to experience and maintain their emotions. They can also understand the emotions of others which means that despite all the confusion, the heart connection is still there.
So while they may not remember your name, they feel the vibes. Knowing this helps to understand how important it is to show up with good, supportive ones. Your parents are going through a lot and knowing that you’re on their side, whoever they think you may be, is huge.
Validation Over Correction
Delusions are a common occurrence for people with dementia and Alzheimer’s. Sometimes it can be funny, like if your mom is convinced she use to be a spy for the CIA. Other times it can be really challenging, or even hurtful. In these moments it’s easy to think that the best way to handle them is to either correct your parent or even challenge them. The thing is that this can make things worse. It’s normal for you to get upset in these moments and want to bring them back to reality but there’s a better way to handle it:
Instead, try this:
Meet them wherever they are and encourage them to talk through their thoughts. So your mom thinks she was a spy. Great! Ask her what that was like. Sometimes giving space to talk will uncover the truth behind the delusion.
Acknowledge feelings and gently redirect: If you fight them you risk escalating an already stressful situation. Hear them out and then try to shift focus to something else.
Try to find solutions even if there isn’t a problem. Do they think someone’s poisoning the water? Consider getting bottled water. Work with them to come up with a solution even if you disagree that there’s a problem in the first place.
Also, don’t always assume that they're delusional. Maybe there are parts of your parents’ life that you’re just not aware of. Can your dad become invisible like he claims? Probably not. But now that you think about it, your mom did have a lot of business in Europe when you were a kid…
Managing Repetitive Questions
Nothing tests a caregiver's patience like answering the same question for the fifteenth time in an hour. The key to handling these moments lies in uncovering what's behind the repetitive behavior. Do they repeat themselves at the same time every day? Do they keep asking about the supermarket because they’re actually hungry? If the questions aren’t causing problems other than testing your patience, it may be enough to just recognize that there’s something comforting to them about asking rather than worrying about finding an answer.
Here are a few more tips:
Answer as if it's the first time they've asked
Look for the emotion behind the question.
Create written reminders or other visual cues for common questions. For instance, if they keep asking about the time, put a clock nearby.
Use distraction techniques when appropriate.
Communication During Difficult Behaviors
Some of the hardest caregiving moments come when memory loss leads to aggression, paranoia, or severe confusion. During these times, communication techniques become even more critical.
The Alzheimer's Association recommends:
Take a breath before responding
Recognizing that the behavior is caused by the disease, not the person
Identify and avoid triggers when possible
Use distraction rather than confrontation
Prioritize safety while maintaining dignity
When things get intense it's important to project calm. Your body language and tone can have more of an impact than your words.
Let’s say your dad accuses you of stealing his wallet. Your automatic response might be to get defensive, “Why would I steal your wallet? You don’t have any money and I pay for everything already!?!?!” This is no bueno. It’ll only escalate things and the next thing you know you’ll be locked into an argument that has nothing to do with his wallet and everything to do with the time he forgot to pick you up after soccer practice.
Instead, try to take a breath, find the humor in the moment (oh, spoiler alert: the wallet is in your freezer…because that’s where he put it), and say, "I understand you're worried about your wallet. Let's look for it together.” Boom, you’re an expert. Let’s book you a TED talk.
Adapting as the Disease Progresses
You’re going to need to adapt as the memory loss progresses. Alzheimer’s in particular is a disease that goes in stages. The way you communicate with your parents at the beginning stages probably won’t work exactly the same way a few years down the line.
In earlier stages, focus on:
Supporting independence
Preserving dignity
Maintaining social connections
Using memory aids and written cues
In later stages, emphasize:
More non-verbal communication
Sensory connections (touch, music, familiar scents)
Shorter, simpler interactions
Predictable routines
Conclusion: Communication is a Journey, Not a Destination
Learning to communicate with someone experiencing memory loss isn't a skill you master once and then move on. It’s more like a never-ending, slightly awkward dance. You’re stepping on toes, tripping over your own feet, and just when you think you’ve nailed it, bam — you’ve forgotten the step and now everyone’s mad at you.
Look, you're gonna mess up more than you succeed at first. You’ll say the wrong thing, ask the wrong question, or maybe accidentally say something about the time they got their hair stuck in the vacuum. But every time you try, you learn something new. It’s like a weird emotional science experiment, except instead of lab coats, you’re both wearing sweatpants.
And listen, some days it’s hard. Some days, you’re gonna get to the end of the day feeling like you’ve just wrestled a cactus. But then there are those moments — those rare, magical moments when something finally clicks, and you can see in their eyes, 'Oh my god, they get me.' And in that split second, all the frustration, all the screw-ups, are worth it.
Now you’re armed with some science-back strategies to deal with your parents’ memory loss. You know that effective communication reduces agitation, improves quality of life, and strengthens bonds — all that evidence-based mumbo jumbo. But here’s the thing: it’s not just some academic theory, we’ve been doing this stuff for years and we know it works!
And don’t forget that, at the end of the day, your parents are still the same person. They might forget what they had for breakfast, where they put their wallet, or even what year it is, but deep down, they’re still in there, just experiencing the world in a way we don’t fully get. Your job isn’t to necessarily drag them back into our reality. Your job is to learn their language... and maybe, just maybe, find some humor in the process.