A Step by Step Strategy for Moving Your Elderly Parents in With You

If you’re reading this you’ve probably made the decision to move your parents in with you already. Bravo! You’ve decided to take on the world’s hardest job…without a paycheck!  Seriously, a round of applause for you. This is an amazing way to address safety concerns, improve their quality of life, and help manage their declining health. Plus, it’s a fantastic way to spend more time together which is really the point, right? Because nothing says, “I love you” like sharing a bathroom.

Summary

1. Talk to Your Parents

1. Get them on board if they’re not already

2. Address concerns

3. Set mutual expectations

2. Set yourself up for success

1. Get your team involved

2. Figure out what they need

3. Figure out a self care plan

3. Preparing Your Home

1. Get supplies

2. Safety first

3. Embrace technology

4. Doing the Work

1. It’ll be emotional

2. When it’s directed At  You

3. When you’re annoyed with them

1 - Talk To Your Parents

Get Them On Board

If you haven’t already, you need to get your parents on board with the move. Start the conversation with empathy and understanding. Acknowledge how hard this might be for them and reassure them that their opinions matter (because they do). Encourage them to express their feelings and actually listen to what they say. You don’t want to put in a lot of time and effort into say…building a new bathtub, only to find out that they only take showers. Open dialogue is key. This isn’t a dictatorship, it’s a family meeting.

Addressing Concerns and Misconceptions

You might hear some surprising things during this talk. They might be afraid of losing their independence or becoming a burden. Honestly they’re probably just scared because when you spend your whole adult life trying to get to a point where you can live your life on your own terms, realizing you can’t do it on your own anymore is a real blow to the ego. Reassure them! Tell them the move isn’t about chaining them to the  couch. It’s about saving them from falling in the shower or getting lost in the grocery store. It’s about getting them the support they need in a familiar place with people they know and trust. 

Setting Mutual Expectations

For God’s sake, set some ground rules and mutual expectations about how this is going to work. You want to avoid the situation where where they start making passive-aggressive comments about your Wi-Fi password as a way to assert themselves. Talk about routines, responsibilities, and boundries. Think of it like you’re hashing out the details of a roommate agreement. Everyone’s gotta be clear on the rules to avoid any “accidents’ with the remote.

2 - Set Yourself Up For Success

Get your Team Involved

You have a care team, right? Gather your most trusted team members — your siblings, that one friend that has their life together, a trusty neighbor — and have a conversation about what needs to happen. Once you figure out what needs to be done then start assigning tasks like a caring dominatrix. Be clear and assertive, with just enough encouragement to keep them wanting more.

Figure Out What They Need

Take a big picture view of where your parents are at. Basically, you want to figure out what they can still do. Can they still cook without burning the house down? Do they need help getting in and out of the tub? Thing about the things you do every day like: cooking, cleaning, bathing, dressing, watching TV and assess if your parents need help in any of these areas. Don’t forget about medications either. You may not take any but chances  are they have enough pills to be the most popular kid in high school.

It’s also important to talk to their medical team to figure out what’s happening with their health that they may not be telling you. Doctors and physical therapists will have great insights related to their specific medical and therapeutic needs as well as any specialized equipment you’ll want to get.

Set up your self care plan now

Don’t wait until things have gone sideways before you think about taking care of yourself. Start now. Being a caregiver is like being a superhero, but without a cape an more back pain. It can be incredibly rewarding, Sur, but it’ll also suck the life out of you if you’re not careful. Prioritize self care before you turn into a walking pile of exhaustion.  It’s not about just ducking into the bathroom for five minutes for a power cry. Schedule time for yourself to do things you enjoy on a regular basis. And don’t forget to keep your social life alive. You’re going to need it. It’s easy to get lost in the weeds and forget that there’s a  world outside of doctor’s visits, mealtimes, and laundry. Interacting with people outside of the caregiving bubble is  essential to not losing yourself and your own happiness.

3 - Preparing Your Home

Now that you’ve had the talk, gathered your team, and done your research it’s now time to set your home up for success. We’re focusing on safety and comfort for everyone. 

Get Necessary Supplies

Shopping! You’re going to need supplies beyond the usual items on your grocery list, and we’re not just talking about a few extra rolls of toilet paper. Grab some essentials before you find yourself panic shopping in Walmart at midnight. Click on the + icons below to explore some common items. This isn’t  an exhaustive list, but it’ll get you started:

• Bedroom

  Dehospital beds

  • Incontinence pads (chuxx)

  • Mattress Protector (washable)

  • Transfer Sheet

  • Adjustable Bed Rail

  • Over Bed Table

  • Bedside Commode

• Bathroom

  • Raised toilet seat

  • Grab bars

  • A&D Ointment

  • Barrier cream

  • Bath Wipes

  • Shower Chair / Bath bench

• Medications

  • Pill Organizer

  • Pill crusher

  • Pill cutter

• Moving Around

  • Gait belt

  • Non-slip mats

  • Non-slip socks

  • Walker

  • Activity sensors

  • Smart lighting 

Home Safety Modifications

Safety first! Don’t wait for an accident to happen. Consider installing grab bars in bathrooms, ramps for wheelchair access, and non-slip mats in potentially hazardous areas. Make sure the lighting is good. We want to prevent falls  by making sure your hallway and common areas don’t look like a cave. Think about installing smoke detectors that have flashing lights if they’re hearing impaired and make sure all the emergency exits are easily accessible and well-marked. Need more detailed information on preventing falls, we got you. 

Be sure to think ahead at this stage. Remember, this is a marathon, not a sprint. You’re putting a lot of work in so make sure you don’t have to repeat yourself by thinking about what they might need down the line. If they need a walker now, they might need a wheelchair in the future, and that wheelchair may not fit through the doorways. Think about setting up your space with things like this in mind.

Embracing Technology for Enhanced Living

Sure, the robots may eventually take over the world but for now there are a lot of smart home devices that can help keep your parents safe and keep you from losing your mind. Here are a few great options:

• Medical Alert Systems Pendants, bracelets, and other devices to help them call for help even if no one is around.

• Voice Activated Assistants “Siri, turn on the lights”, “Alexa, turn up the heat”. Let the robots get bossed around instead of you while decreasing the chances of a fall.

• Medication Reminders & Smart Pill Organizers there are all sorts of medication specific timers, pill bottles, apps, and other services that can help you and your parents remember to take their meds on time.

• Video Calls Remember when zoom was your life-line to the outside world during the pandemic? Same goes for your parents if they can’t get around like they used to. Teach them how to use video calls to connect with friends and family or help schedule some in advance for them.

• Online Classes & Communities If your parents are tech savvy then you might consider getting them involved in some online classes and communities. This is another great way to keep them socially active.

4 - Doing The Work

Remember that time you saw an influencer do something on your social feed and you thought to yourself, “I could do that.” Then you tried to do it yourself and it was a complete disaster? This is kind of like that.

It’s going to take some time and practice to get good at this. First you’ll need to get comfortable with the tasks: learning how to get them in and out of the bathtub, organizing medications, etc. The real challenge though is the mind game.

The Emotional Journey of Caring For Your Parents

Moving your parents in with you isn’t just about boxes, tape, and some adult diapers. It’s a journey of feelings. For your parents the idea of leaving their home might be like leaving behind an entire way of living which is no small thing. For you its about grappling with the role reversal, added responsibility, and, if we’re honest, being confronted with a part of life you’d rather not think about.

So this whole transition is going to bring up a lot: loss, anxiety, fear, and likely some grumpiness. Let’s first talk about how to handle moments when this grumpiness is directed at you.

When It’s Directed At You

While it can be easy to take it personally when your parent is in a foul mood, this is unfortunately part of the gig. It doesn’t make it right but being a caregiver is about choosing to take the high road in these moments. 

1 — Train yourself to recognize that it’s not personal. It’s easiest to take our frustrations out on those who we’re closest to because, frankly, they’re easy targets. They’re standing right there, in the same room!

2 — Next, once you’ve gotten past the initial insult, encourage your parents to share their feelings. Allow them to vent and try to listen in a non-judgmental way. Again, it’s not about you. Getting them to open up is like turning the burner off when the kettle’s boiling. It takes some of the pressure off and allows them to see things a little more clearly. 

3 — Acknowledge their frustrations. Let them know that you see and hear them. Don’t feel that you need to solve anything or even respond to what they said. Often they just need to get things off their chest. Providing the space to do this can be the best solution. 

Do your best to be patient as they adjust to their new surroundings. Create an open environment where they feel comfortable expressing both positive and negative emotions without judgment.

When You’re Annoyed with Them

Setting Boundaries 

Stress is made worse when we don’t feel like we have any control. Making sure you have clear boundaries with your parents is key to surviving the bumps in the road. If they cross the line, it’s okay to let them know, just make sure you do it in a loving way. Remember,  whatever came out of their mouth  isn’t personal. They’re just projecting their shit onto you.

Use Your Team

Hopefully you’ve built a support network of family, friends, and community resources to help you with all of this. Your team is there to support you as much as they’re there to support the care of your parents. Don't hesitate to reach out for help you need it. You team is there to hear you vent, give you a break, and even help problem solve difficult situations. Whether it's for respite care, meal preparation, or companionship for your parents, a strong support system can help you keep your sanity intact.

Don’t Rule Out Professional Support

If things get really heavy you should consider professional support…for you. Being able to vent and talk through your frustrations with someone who is trained to help makes sense of it all can provide essential context and understanding. A good therapist can also give you some tools to use when you’re in the weeds at home.

Wrap Up: Embracing the Journey

You’re a good human for taking all of this on, seriously. If you do this right you’re the being the kind of person that the world needs desperately right now. It’s a selfless act to choose to care for someone else and as an added bonus, next time you make a mistake, instead of beating yourself up you can remind yourself that you’re not all that bad. (Seriously, you could probably (gently) kick a puppy every now and then and still make the shortlist for sainthood).

So, take this journey on with an open heart, a willingness to compromise, and a good sense of humor. You’re going to need it. There will be laughs, and there will be eye rolls. And both of those things will keep you sane. In the end, you and your parents will create a home that’s not just about safety and comfort—it’s about love and laughter.

And here’s the thing: You’re not alone in this. You’ve got strategies, support systems, and probably a couple of friends who owe you some favors (time to cash those in!). With the right game plan, you can handle this transition like the pro you are. So take a deep breath, trust yourself, and remember: